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IN MY OPINION

In my opinion there’s only one thing wrong with Gay Porn today – Just about everything!

As a gay man I watch a lot of the stuff. Not because I have to because I’m gay, but because I’m a horny man and horny men do that sort of thing – I hear women do too, but that’s none of my business. Anyway, there has been a recent documentary called ‘Mums Do Porn’ that is saying a similar thing to myself because they’re fed up too with the crap that’s been put out  – i.e. the Porn Industry needs to get its act together and start treating us punters with a little more respect. What I’m suggesting here is that us guys should get together and do a similar thing with gay porn, so what follows is my own, may I say humble, rendition of what form this revision might take and why.

In the Good Old Days when Johnny Wrangler and J.D. Cadinot were at it, making gay porn I mean, the stuff appeared to be a bit ad hoc, a little fuzzy around the edges and camera wonky but sincerely put together and made to appear as realistic as possible for the times when they shot the movies. Have a look at some of their work and see what you think. From about there on in it seems that the industry went downhill and got lost down the old rabbit hole into Wonderland. Producers and the Great Porn Makers of the Planet Gay seemed to think that all they had to do was get a few wannabes off the street, get them to strip off and show their pricks to the public then suck, fuck and sometimes rim each other off, and that was all we needed. WRONG!

Alternadudes at its finest

To begin at the beginning.

Word to the wise Mr. Modern Day film makers, I suggest you at least try to get your studio sets designed by someone who has a vague idea what type of movie you want to produce. Bad set design, e.g. too complicated and fussy, is far too much of a temptation for us wankers to get distracted. There are many times when I have found my eyes being offended by the colour of the curtains, the over gold painted furniture and the gaudy pictures on the walls, so the action takes second place. I mean you wouldn’t think of making a hardcore BDSM movie inside a designer apartment with wine glasses, wispy net curtains and crystal chandeliers, now would you? Or would you care? Films sets created for male brothels in say, Tunisia, where gaudiness is de rigueur for homes as well as brothels, might be an excusable exception – I’ve seen a few of these and they can be quite exciting in a red flock wallpaper and silk embroidered cushion kind of way.

Always cover unwanted brick-a-brack with a sheet when filming porn

Then there are the ‘actors‘. Oh dear me, where the hell do I start here? What actors? Listen my friends, if you can’t afford to hire people who can actually act then don’t bother with dialogue. Unless it’s important to the story line or to enhance the sexiness of the scene then cut it out. It’s embarrassing trying to watch a scene when it’s so obvious the ‘actors’ don’t mean a single word of it and can’t relay the sense of it all to their audience either. I’m sure there are a quite a few thousand punters out there who agree with me on this one. Of course there are many movies put onto the market where English is not the local language. In many of these cases we are offered subtitles to accompany the plot, so the ‘acting’ may not be so noticeable. However it’s these subtitles that bother me. Why oh why do film editors ( if there are any in Gay Porn) allow the subtitle translators to be so bad? Seriously folks, if you have to have them then at least hire someone who’s language is actually English!

If all else fails, find a high end motel

I think the most important things about making a good gay porn movie, or any porn movie come to that, is the interaction between the actors. There has to be some sort of chemistry between them otherwise it’s a no-go right from the start. If you don’t actually fancy the person you’re getting really down to the nitty gritty with then the camera will pick it up and relay it directly to us out here. Remember we, the unwashed cock jerkers, are trying to get our jollies off with a bit of fantasy here. We don’t want to watch a couple or three getting it off because they have to. Unless, of course you’re doing Gay for Pay ( then you should state that in your presentation) or in the case of Escort/Client, then hire REAL ESCORTS for the job! Believe me, we can tell the difference. In my experience (which is quite a bit, by the way) the real thing is often the best thing. If you’re lucky enough to find a couple of straight guys who are friends in real life then you’ve got a ready-made porn movie that’ll make itself. It’s rare but not impossible and a little research and decent selection techniques can find them. I’ll give you an example here of a guy called Michael Keys and his best friend Evan Mercy who have successfully interacted (sexually, of course) and been applauded by the multitude of gay watchers for their performances because they were credible, they looked real, they were never scripted and the producers allowed them to just ‘get at it’! And here I have to add a little addendum of my own, what I find severely dick limping are those producers of the short, fat, old and bald variety who insist on getting their faces into the ‘actors’ balls in front of the camera instead of staying where they belong, behind the fucking thing!

Plain backgrounds bring out the eyes of the models

And to end at the end.

I’ll sum up this little diatribe by simply saying that we’re fed up with simply being offered suck, fuck and rim shit by the bucket load, acted by guys who’ll never see a wooden dolly let alone an Oscar, and produced by guys who really would be better employed joining a knitting club for the blind. Remember, we want to see porn that keeps us excited, interested and hard. We want to stay with it all because it’s interesting, it makes us feel something we can’t get in our normal, humdrum little lives. We want to believe it, we want to be there, we want…Oh you get the fucking picture – I hope! I would really like to see someone or some properly set up body that would regulate the kind of porn they intend to offer us instead of allowing anyone plus their mother to shove anything that comes to hand down our throats (except cocks, of course). Anyone out there who has any clout in the business, please see what you can do to put this right. After all, if a bunch of ordinary Mums in England could do it and be applauded by the Porn business for their resulting work, then surely we in the Gay Porn world can too.

Love.

HAZE